Email is both a blessing and a curse. At its best it can facilitate speedy, clear communication, and help grease the gears of institutional life. At its worst, it snarls those gears, promotes bad or ineffective communication; and fans the flames of interpersonal conflict in ways that are destructive and hurtful.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been copied into a thread of reply-all email conversations, usually among Congregational Council members, where in the space of just a few hours, reputations have been maligned, feelings hurt and resignations tendered. By the time I am copied in, the damage has been done.
Conflict is something whose presence cannot be avoided in human interactions. Christ may well have promised to be present whenever two or more gather, but that doesn’t preclude the fact that those “two or more” are going to disagree with one another from time to time! It’s human nature.
When conflicts arise, they need to be addressed. How they are addressed will determine whether the conflict will be constructive or destructive. Not all conflicts can be resolved, but they can be managed in such a way that harm can be avoided.
In Matthew 18 Jesus gives some helpful advice on how we should deal with interpersonal conflict. The first and most important step is to go to the individual with whom you have a dispute and address it face to face. (If Jesus were advising us today, I think he would add the phrase “and never via text or email!!!”)
In my experience, the most destructive elements of church conflict would be avoided if people followed this primary advice. Sadly, I find that this is the step that people consistently avoid taking. Instead they carry their disputes elsewhere, thereby unleashing potentially harmful threads of recrimination that are exponentially more difficult to address than was the original cause for complaint.
The first question I ask whenever someone comes to me with a complaint about a rostered minister, council member or parishioner is, “Have you spoken to this person directly about your concern?” Ninety per cent of the time the answer is “No!” If that is the case, I provide some coaching on how they might go about doing that in a constructive way and ask them to report back after having had this conversation.
More often than not, the two parties, in meeting, are able to begin to address their differences in a constructive way. Sometime, if needed and appropriate, I may offer to convene a further conversation to help them move forward. But it’s not usually needed.
When conflicts arise, we need to talk with one another and not about one another. Follow that simple rule and you will have done a lot to reduce the harmful effects of the interpersonal conflicts that will inevitably arise in any relationship. Do that, and you will have done a lot to build up the health and resiliency of your congregation.